Excuse me, but is that a SQUIRREL in your pants? "Why, yes it is!"

Chh chh chh chh changes...
the other night hans told me ive changed-that ive become more calm or some shit like that. Hrumph. I havent changed (!), the circumstances have. There. I feel better. Kindof.

hmm Im back eh?
Well, i suppose im writing this for no reason in particular seeing as theres no one to read it anyway. I feel like even having a pita is sort of pointless.....nevermind. fuck it.

more college..shiiitttt
well, im still here in bloody santa cruz.....i now realize that pot has no apparent effects on me. I dont understand this, but i think it must have to do with my breathing problems. In anycase, i am going to san diego again this weekend - leaving me with 58 dollars in my bank account. I dont understand(well, i do..) how i managed to spend around $600 in a couple months. Damn. Im so fucking frivilous. In any case, im hoping they dont make me pay the financial aid refund back..i dont know what the hell it was for, but whatever. I dont think they will. In anycase,its still not my fucking fault. Ok. Now its time for me to freak, but whatever.

college
Shit. Im in college. Well, as most of you already know , im hating it here, but my parents are letting my leave at the end of the quarter. So iguess then ill have to go to PCC and work. Im wondering if i should transfer to UCSD and just get a room at the Diplomat, where Mo Ryan and Mike Dwyer live and its just off the SDSU campus. I talked to a girl who transferred from UCSD to here (why?!!) and she said they all partied with the SDSU kids anyway. So i think , hey, why not. Bc if i hate the people at UCSD ill be hanging with Mike at SDSU all the time anyway. Yeah, maybe ill do that. Maybe i just have too much faith in me and mike, and that scares me, but losing him scares me even more. 2 months and counting is what i have left here. It feels like forever but the days are going by faster than i thought so that is good. Im just afraid i wont be able to see mike EVER if i go home. I probably will though. I was thinking of going to SD community college, but then id really have to work and live there. Hopefully i could transfer to SDSU or UCSD. i really want to go to SDSU, not bc of mike but bc the campus rules. Over and out folks.

missing
last night i spent curled up in the fetal position on my bed weeping about how i already miss my life here...i also love Gods big fuck you to me by making me pine for mike only to give me only two months with him. i feel like crying again. i feel like, with everyone, im no longer allowed to have an antisocial day bc our days together are limited. but i think it ruins things bc that means that things arent sincere anymore. i also missed carl today. i mean, you spend fucking six months with someone only to go back to nothing. i am praying that doesnt happen to me and mike, but of course, it probably will. and i probably just jinxed myself. i gotta get out of here, but im not ready to go just yet.

Finally......Oh God.
So Ive graduated. We've all graduated. Now what? Yesterday, mike got me really depressed bc he was saying he was mad bc theres this expiration date on us, but i dont think so. Maybe i am being unrealistic, but i think that, if by the end of summer, we are in love, then we'll work it out. Andrew is going to Oberlin and hes in love, so why cant i work it out also? I am just afraid im going to try and force the love. Also, if im not in love with mike by then, i dont want to feel like i might have been had we had more time togehter. But, i am pretty sure that it wont take all summer to know. Im just scared.

"fuck me gently with a chainsaw..."
i guess im just scared bc someitmes, i dont know why mike is with me. Like, i think its just side effects from the fact that ive liked him for two years and its weird to finally HAVE him. also, things are weird sometimes bc he doesnt really act like hes my boyfriend. bt i guess that could be side effects from the ryan situation and shyness. im PRAYING thats what it is. i dont know, i guess i just wish i felt more secure about things. also, im soooo pissed off that im going to college 8 hours away from him.thats so unfair. ahh, life likes to screw you up the ass sometimes, doesnt it.

ahhh. nothings ever simple, is it?
so, caleb and i successfully set up amanda and blake. I hope that all goes well. anyway, im really really sick - my doctor says its viral. i feel like my head is gonna explode. anyway: here i go again letting all i held inside seep through my eyes and i watch you turn your head when you tell me everything is alright but i can feel you feeling reasons for hating me because ive been here before and now im wondering if life would be easier if i was alone if i had never met you because you are making me work for you maybe llife would be easier if i followed others instructions fell for roses and angelic disposition a confidence i could only dream of. and somwthing tells me that theres something behind your mouth thats dying to slip into my ears and out my eyes. and under blankets of "i told you so" i sit suspicious. you never hold my hand and youre hesitence scares me because uncomfortable glances make me say things i shouldnt have and im wondering if you are futile. im wondering if you are here because you were alone im wondering if you are here because im here im wondering if you are here to teach me the art of winning and losing. the art of broken hearts the art of saying no. because when im around you walk away leaving me to hover leaving me to reconsider why im here because as good as you are are you good enough?

hmmm.
So. The play is over and now i miss it. Im afraid i didnt live up to expectations, but im not going to worry about that. I have to say that i think that Dustin is super wpnderful and i am soooooo happy for andrew. Way to go, Andrew! He and i are so lucky. Ummmhmm. Mike rules. he came to every single one of my performances. im just afraid his friends wont like me. Hmm. The ryan thing kindof blew up and now hes acting weird. probably my fault for that, but whatever. Im too nice.

Who's Birthday is it? .... MINE! HA!
So yeah, i am 18. And i do beliebe it rules. To the EXTREME!!!! Ryan came and made me breakfast and gave me DMB's "Listener Supported" and then Kira and i went to Swingers and Hustler Hollywood and exercised our 18 year old right to be there! I bought lip balm. Hmm. Well. Anyway, then i went to Mikes and he gave me Donnie Darko, which rules. And then we went to kiras and had fun. Then mike gave me a bouquet with bananas in it. That ruled too.

Hmm." I do not regret the things i have done, but those i did not do..."- Empire Rec/Jim morrison ????
So. Ok. I know i clarified this with amanda but i think that, since it really wont do any good to say right out to anyone, but im going to say this: This year has been an extremely rocky one. I believe it climaxed with prom and the suckiness that came with that. However, i do believe that although i have made some unwise decisions, had i not made those, i wouldnt be where i am now; an extremely scary and intimidating place, yet also, where i have wished to be for a very long time. Also, i know that i was a hypocrite among other things, but i accept those and i admit to them and i have learned learned learned from them and i know there are places i have been that i never want to visit EVER again! Thus is the reason i am MORE than wary of a certain situation in my life, but not only that, i am pretty much content with there fluffy haired bundle of wonderfulness who needs a new code name. I dont know, i just wanted to say that,Wow, I never thought id get over this year, but im just really excited to get to know summer.

hmmm. My life is just one long sigh.
So im basically pissed off at the way my life has gone this year. Good things have come way too late, and other good things have turned sour in more ways than one. Also, Im pissed bc the people i met lately are people i probably wont ever see again which means that AHHHHHH!!!! I just wish i had more time! God. Here:A poem The last time i looked in you you said "why do you look so sad?" and i told you that that was my neutral face bc my whole life is in neutral, never venturing to the drama of red or black, staying safely in gray. You told me that it was bad that we'd be leaving soon, so i held on to you for as long as possible and i buried my face in your chest and mumbled things about not wanting to leave and not wanting to start from zero. You told me that at least zero wasnt a negative number and you made me cry even more. My mascara got in my eyes even though it said it was waterproof and i wiped it away and cursed all the times i belived that funny hair in a fancy car would come driving up foreign driveways to tell me what i wanted to hear. All this i invested in my life and all i got was goodbye.

well, Ahhhiiieee whunt ay fookin ahhcent teoo, Dah-Day!
welll, today im going to london yay. i offeneded carl, and yes, he had a right to be mad, by falling asleep on him after he brough over martinellis and strawberries and fun stuff, but iwas so sososososos tired by i was hot and sleepy and i havent eaten and i feel sick like i have pms or something. not a good day to hang out i guess. yesterady was weird. i offened fred by telling him his pants were short and looking at him funny when he told me i had pretty eyes and by calling him an asshole a bunch of time and doing the asshole dance, like jumping and bending over going "Ass- HOLE! Ass-HOLE!" yeah. not a good move stephanie. but he deserved it sortof bc he WAAASSSS being an asshole. But whatever. i was kidding and it showed and i think he took it too serriously and he just went "its gonna be a good night" and i said "for what" and then he just walked off. And i went "for nothing, i guess." hes so weird. Big Headed guys need to not be so dumb. Anyway, then i hung with the girls and the la salle boys and it was cool except we lost piya emma and diana when kira went to buy cigarettes for vince and it took a long ass time bc the guy didnt believe her and vince kept wanting to look around the store and look at pix of shazkira and then we went back and emma etc were gone and we went "uh?" So it was funky. But at least sean wasnt an asshole.

hmmm. here we go again!
well. its funny because i havent had a bad day all this week. I didnt get into NYU or USC, which i didnt expect to, and my mom and i think its a sign that im destined to go to Santa Cruz. Hmm. Yeah, so Sat was a bust until the last hour, and yes, it did suck that kira was buzzing for a million years, but im not grudinging bc the night turned out ok. I just hate hate hate hate being seen as the tight ass party pooper friend. It wasnt the drinking i was uncomfortable with, it was the thought of driving someone elses Durnango home at 2 in the morning with a dead cell phone and a drunk friend. And a restriction on my license. I dont feel like i need to push my limits to be cool or feel older bc i just dont. i think thats silly. So when people are making me out to be a super catholic i want to scream all of the things i HAVE done, but then im selling out. So. As long as you dont kill you or me, im fine with whatever you do. THats the thing i dont like about the la salle boys; they make me feel like if i dont act this way or that way im dumb, which i know im not. Hm. Bc their lives are just as boring, if not more, than my own, so they have nothing on me. But i dont care. Ill probably get corrupted in college anyway so why freak out about it now? ANYWAY. were going to see them again friday to see if we can hook kira up, yo. i think that will work out bc she needs a quality non stalker ish guy to give her th sweet sweet loving we all need. Today i watched "St. Elmos Fire" for what i THOUGHT was the first time, but if im not deja vuing, i think i already saw i tbc i rememebred everything, esp the sex on the coffin (ew, i know). Out!

well Soooorrry if im no fun.
So im gonna be honest and say that its a wee bit unnerving to find out that andrew doesnt really like hanging out with me, but i guess i saw that coming. I can understand why, but ive been racked with problems lately and i dont think they are going to go away until i go away so there. But whatever. God. I know people still hate me, but oh well. Bc i dont hate anyone so it doesnt matter. Also, I SO called that piya and marcs breakup wouldnt last. I think that it took being apart too see things clear. I had fun today with Danyell in english bc we made naughty jokes about my hair and elbow. But Kurt didnt like our friendship sign, so we cried. Anyway, im in love with jimmy eat world now. and the play. Im still scared of it though bc i dont hve enough faith in myself that i can do it. i know deep down i can, but i am just scared. I had so much fun yesterday with bill belan bc i was really trying and working and i dont know what got me in such a good mood bc ive been having a good three days lately. I neeeeeeeeeeeedddddd to go to santa cruz. NOW.

well, hmmmm....
Yeah, so I missed 2nd today bc i woke up like five times during the night bc i think i was just stressing out and i was thinking about the stuff i want to put on the shirts i want to make for people. I think its weird that Piya and Marc arent together anymore, bc its like this entity we all knew was extinguished. But, i do think that they are destined to be together in some way, maybe not romatically, but i definately think that they cannot live without one another, and that time will heal things and yeah. So I'm trying to be there for Piya, i hope im doing a good job, bc i think that ive been a little umm, how do i say, self engrossed. SELF- engrossed, not CARL engrossed. Yeah, and i think that its good bc i am the only one at school right now anyway. Eww, Jenn Harris is trying to clone me. How unnerving was it that people were able to name off kids they thought were copying me? Yeah, i admit it is annoying, but i think we all imitate to some degree, so i am guilty also, but DAMN! Jenn HARRIS! STOP IT! Haa. So amanda is sick, and im wondering if she is still alive. I think that people are wondering the same thing about me also, bc im so booked its crazy. I was so sressed over Anything Goes, bc i know that i cant act, and i am bad at dancing, but i CAN sing, so ive got one thing right. Although i know i will eventually be able to do the acting, its just intimidating being around a bunch of people who are experienced at this and here i am with my monotone acting. God. TOO much. At least im in Santa Cruz. Shew. Its werid though bc i dont really know anyone in the cast so i feel a little out of place. I liked the sub i had for media arts today. She was nice. She went to LC and had done every drug on the face of the earth and yada yada yada, and now shes a born again christian. I sisnt like what she said about people who dont believe in God going to hell. Nonono, God wants everyone! Whatever, she was nice. My belly itches.

Hi, my name is Mrs Whitacre-Lammi
Haa, so Eric Whiacre came on Wed and made an entire choir fall in love with him. Yes, it was wonderful, and rendered me a cripple for the next few hours. Yeah, so today i found out that little Emily Hing was"seeing" matt yang. I KNOW! Funky. Anyway, i hope i dont get sick again. Bye!

Back By Popular Demand!
So. It looks as if things are looking up for little ol moi, eh? I got the lead, I got into Santa Cruz, so I'm pretty happy. I think everyone is coming to their senses about all of the shit that went down before. That makes me happy bc I was getting tired of being alone. This is not to say that Carl is not good company, but, i think you understand, right? I always think about what Carl will be like when I see him after I go to college. Who will he be going out with? Will he still be a VIRGIN?(haa) Will he be anything at all like i know him to be now? Will i be WITH him still? Because I kindof lost touch with Rachael etc, and i dont want that to happen. I dont want it to happen with him or with ANYONE. My fear is, that since he'll be here, and not somewhere else, will he revert back to who he once was? Will anyone like the person i come back as? Almost everyone else is going somewhere new, and i think we'll all probably be pretty much the same, but we also have had 4 years to form bonds. With Carl, I've only had a few months. It just scares me to think that all I've had with Carl could be erased becuase I leave and it makes me wish I had met him 2 years before now. But i didnt, so....people always say that they wil be friends forever and that can be true, but I guess I'm just afraid i havent cemented myself fully in his consciousness to be able to come back here and have him remember me. Because I know that I will remember him, as well as everyone, but I guess I'm just freaking out a little bit here. I think it was all that talk about "With a Lily in your Hand" tonight that got me going on this subject. "With a lily in your hand, i leave you, oh my night love. Little widow, little widow of my single star, i find you, i find you...Tamer of dark butterflies, i keep along my way. After a thousand years have gone, you see me oh my night love..."

so i dont like to exfoliate my ass with sand....
So i saw "Crossroads"...EW!! God, product placement CITY. # of Herbal Essences plugs (in 5 mins): 2 # of Pepsi plugs: 3 (?) # of britney singing: 7 (!!!!!!!) # Britney sex scenes: 2 # britney underwear scenes (in 5 mins) : 2 total Britney underwear scenes: lord knows... God. Enough already. So anyway, then i pissed away the rest of teh weekend, but i had fun with carl yesterday at the drumline competition. Our drumline has great attitude, we were the best looking drumline there, mind you, and the spunkiest one to boot. Haa. To boot. Sketchy. So, today i was studying, and yeah, i felt bad bc piya called to talk and i couldnt really bc i had to study for my geom test, so i hope shes cool now. Hmm, sand in my underwear from friday....everything smells like beach,, haa "you BEACH!". Haa. Fun times stealing blankets away from kira. Waaaaayyyyyy too many Fred encounters for one day tho. Me: "haa, have fun losing your virginity" Fred: "???!!!" Moi: "To CAPITALISM!!" Fred: "???!!!" Yeah. Bad move, stephanie. He's got a big cranium, but......(sigh).

oh yeah...and by the WAY...
i. got. RENOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!! horray for me.

DIS-freaking-CLAIMER (God, Is this even NECESSARY??))
GODDDD! Maybe "carnal hunger" just SOUNDED good! Big frigging whoop.

cArL !!!
No carl, it DOESNT mean that you have made me a mistake. Quit worrying, babe.

i am SO sick of this...
I'd be perfectly happy being lost at sea becuase everyone is on their own tiny islands and im on mine, swimming occasionally. I'd be perfectly happy being lost at sea than be found and eaten alive by cute little native children masking carnal hunger and anger mad that i dared leave their territory - or that i was there to begin with. Once, i was feeling christopher columbus and i ventured away, bringing jewels and happiness to try and feed the natives but they thought it uncouth that i learned english and ate chicken with kings and queens without them. so they rejected my little offerings and chained my ankles and threw my jewels into the ocean. And from then on, i was one big mistake. I burned fish, I lost the horses, I spoke too soon in a language they didnt understand anyway. And through all this i realized that i could swim. But so far, im still here, sunburning on sandy beaches burning the soles of my feet and staring longingly at the sea. One day, Im gonna leave One day, Im gonna find my jewels and Im going to find those kings and queens and my happiness and freedom and maybe ill get lost for a little while. Because there are other people out there dying to enlighten me and dying to tell me that its all ok. Id be perfectly happy being lost at sea because im an exile in a tribe of exiles and who knows what i might find underneath the waves.

Deborah, Will you marry me? aka "I dont have time to wipe shit off my shoes"
OK, Deborah, i might just have to marry you, and ill tell you why on monday ...anyway... I attempted to hang out with friends on thurs and got in shit bc my mo got mad bc my overly irrisonsible brother confused me and i ended up not picking him up from drumline when i wasnt even supposed to anyway but anyway....sometimes i think that i need to adopt emma. i never realized she had so much trouble rumbling inside that little body of hers. Thhinking about her situation makes me a little bit afraid to fall in love, but i think ill be ok....kiras coming around and im glad, bc i was talking to jason about how theres not that much time left here together and that people are focusing more on trivial problems rather than having a good time. i mean really people, isnt it harder to be a bitch to someone? whatever, im gonna let it all roll off my back. i dont have time to wipe shit off my shoes. Oooh, i like that - NEW MOTTO TIME!! so anyway, carl is hot and yeah, ok. i dont really have anything to talk about anymore except that i had to spend three hours after school on the last day of finals editing my media arts video and that bastard sexist pig mr pee didnt help by LOSING 6 hours of work bc hes too stupid to tell me to RENDER before SAVING anf fabiana YU had to tell me! GOD! (sigh)

...and then, "whoomp" - God kicked me in the ass..
yeah, so i was looking forward to seeing A Walk to Remember with my friends and seeing if amanda and carl could "peacefully coexist" which sort of happened but he was outside talking on his cell for a million years so there wasnt really any chance for that to happen but...i got us lost going to danyells house bc i didnt know there was a la crecenta exit (God! i dont use freeways that often. gimme a break!) and so i missed it and everyonewas yelling and being very annoying except for piya bc she has compassion (i love you p-meister) and although they were "just giving me a hard time" it was still kindof rude just bc 1) im still not too comfortable driving and 2) its just not SAFE to scream at the top of ones lungs while in a moving vehicle but in any case we finally get danyell and amanda is screaming "we missed the MOVIEEEEE!!!" even though its just MANDY freaking MOORE and i could feel chris going "ohmiGOD" and i wanted to cry and so we finally get there and we pull into the wrong parking lot so we go to the correct one and at this point im so eager to get them the hell out of my car that i pull fast into the first available parking space i see and of COURSE i HIT the car next to me and dent my car like fuck and im crying and fleeing and theres these two boys looking at me accusingly and i go to chuck e cheeses and call my mom and amanda and piya get me ice cream and i cry some more and then we go to my place and carl talks on phone till im thirty years old and then we watch the adventures of sebastian cole and chris drinks orange juice and then i take carl home and he asks me whats wrong and i almost choke on my disbelief that anyone could possibly ask a such a silly question. God.

damn BITCH! shut the hell UP!!
yeah. so today was annoying bc i did bad AGAin on a geom test and its only funny bc emily hing got 63 and i got 69 so i said "ha at least mine sounds naughty". yeah. and it was cold adn i got stuck waiting for my sis for 45 mins bc her cheer squad felt like sucking and people were telling me my hair was 1) fading and 2) frizzy. GodDAMMIT! I KNOW! i SEE it in the morning and im lazy so i dont care so neither should you fuck off! haa yeah. im feeling hostile tonight, and now i have janet jackson stuck in my head, and yes, shes really in my head and trying to crawl out my ear. good bye.

"..and you, you set me on fire..."
So, first of all, i just finished skimming Danyells blog for my name, which was absent from it, but thats okm and i fell madly in LOVE with the BP quotes! I couldnt stop laughing! Anyway, yesterday was amandas birthday, which was ok except for that i knew NO ONE and no one was dancing and when they did, i got kicked and i think it ripped off some skin off my ankle. Hands needs to not run around so fast, its annoying. Haa. Yeah,m so I decline was better than i remebered, but it didnt matter, bc i didnt even really see amanda that much suring the course if the night. And carl was upset bc i wasnt paying attention, and it felt like no one wanted to be there,but i think everyone was just tired and i was nervous for carl and if you danced everyone was watcing you bc most people were outside standing. Hm. Anyway, things turned out alright and i befirended that big guy dan who came with katz. Yeah, it was fun passing the stephanie. So. Then we went to conrads but on the way got fucking egged by some bitches in a van and i was ready to kill them if they got eggs on my jacket. but they didnt but it hurt alot bc the egg hit me at the top of my chest and it was like a baseball. And marc tobia got all eggy on his shoes. man, i hate people sometimes bc i realize that they go home on sat and sit around going "what should we do. Oh, lets be jerks." it makes me sad. and tehn i toook people home and then carl got upset bc he told me i am mean to hiom alot. I know that, and it just happens, and i cant explain why, but i think its me and my bad self esteem. I dont know. Its my fault and im working on it. i have a jealous nature, what can i say?

so....
yesterday, i went to the comedy sportz meeting and everyone fell in love with this one star guy from loyola, everyone except lil ole moi bc I'M in love with CARL so HA! anyway, then we went to kiras and they didnt want carl there i think bc chris didnt like amanda and it would make her feel bad if she saw me cuddling and shit but i didnt think of that before anyway, we went and attempted to enibriate me, but of COURSE it didnt work. i think im still afraid of what ill do if im ever drunk. oh well. then i wentto sleep and had nightmares about sophia biggs trying to put the moves on me and then there are these people trying to kill me and Carl gets seduced by her (not real) sister and im like "fuck?" and then im running and then im at my house and im taking out a cd and i give it to carl and he tries to sell it to my brother and then theres this half cute evil fanged dog trying to bite me and i climb onto the coffee table and try and swat it away. The End. Eww. Sketchy.

so....
yesterday, i went to the comedy sportz meeting and everyone fell in love with this one star guy from loyola, everyone except lil ole moi bc I'M in love with CARL so HA! anyway, then we went to kiras and they didnt want carl there i think bc chris didnt like amanda and it would make her feel bad if she saw me cuddling and shit but i didnt think of that before anyway, we went and attempted to enibriate me, but of COURSE it didnt work. i think im still afraid of what ill do if im ever drunk. oh well. then i wentto sleep and had nightmares about sophia biggs trying to put the moves on me and then there are these people trying to kill me and Carl gets seduced by her (not real) sister and im like "fuck?" and then im running and then im at my house and im taking out a cd and i give it to carl and he tries to sell it to my brother and then theres this half cute evil fanged dog trying to bite me and i climb onto the coffee table and try and swat it away. The End. Eww. Sketchy.

personal pep talks
So. Yeah, I admit admit admit that i have this unusually large tendency to get very very insecure, which leads to my untrustworthyness. And. I. Hate it. It is one of my MAJOR flaws. I think this may have to do with my long years of being a complete DOG (dont debate me on this) and maybe my thing with brian ziff, but im not blaming him. Hmm. I dont know. I think i just need to STILL remember that people like me bc I am ME and that, yes, someone might be crazy enough to find me remotely attractive. Hmm. Interesting. So. I think i need to stop comparing myself and bask in the glow of adoration i should be recieving right about now. Hm. Hm Hm Hm. Yeah. Today i had a rocking time with amanda and joe at daily grind and it made my day bc joe said "i like hanging with you guys. you like to laugh alot, and thats so cool". That RULED. I loved that, and i canceled out the snobbiness of that punk guy that was there. I dont know his name. Jenny lacie was snobby too. I despise people like that. Im like that to david peryera, but im trying to be nicer. It made me sad today that my media arts group was bitchy to chris stones even though he saved our asses when mr pee abandoned us. Hmm. Chris kept coming over to us and going "i want to be in THIS group". Im not sure why he was saying that, but he bailed our asses out of the firey depths of HELL, so hes cool in MY book, even if he DOES smell funny. Yeah, back to my insecurities. I think i just need to remember that things arent always gonna go my way, that ive been spoiled emotionally, i think im pretty overbearing and i was reading a magazine and it helped me realize this and why i was pissing people off before. But i think ill just get over this as well as myself. Piya is right, i do have an ego. Hmm. Oh well. At least she was honest. So. Yeah, ill start believing carl and ill start believing myself and ill let things roll they way they are going bc im not sure of anything still and although i think i want something sometimes, then im not so sure other times, so maybe that means im not ready. i think i need to be able to trust things with all my being first, bc piya said that she never has trust issues with marc, so i think i need to get to that point first. Hmm. Oh well, thats MY problem. I trust SOMETIMES and then i see something that knocks me down from that, bc i start comparing and analyzing and it sucks. Hmm....

personal pep talks
So. Yeah, I admit admit admit that i have this unusually large tendency to get very very insecure, which leads to my untrustworthyness. And. I. Hate it. It is one of my MAJOR flaws. I think this may have to do with my long years of being a complete DOG (dont debate me on this) and maybe my thing with brian ziff, but im not blaming him. Hmm. I dont know. I think i just need to STILL remember that people like me bc I am ME and that, yes, someone might be crazy enough to find me remotely attractive. Hmm. Interesting. So. I think i need to stop comparing myself and bask in the glow of adoration i should be recieving right about now. Hm. Hm Hm Hm. Yeah. Today i had a rocking time with amanda and joe at daily grind and it made my day bc joe said "i like hanging with you guys. you like to laugh alot, and thats so cool". That RULED. I loved that, and i canceled out the snobbiness of that punk guy that was there. I dont know his name. Jenny lacie was snobby too. I despise people like that. Im like that to david peryera, but im trying to be nicer. It made me sad today that my media arts group was bitchy to chris stones even though he saved our asses when mr pee abandoned us. Hmm. Chris kept coming over to us and going "i want to be in THIS group". Im not sure why he was saying that, but he bailed our asses out of the firey depths of HELL, so hes cool in MY book, even if he DOES smell funny. Yeah, back to my insecurities. I think i just need to remember that things arent always gonna go my way, that ive been spoiled emotionally, i think im pretty overbearing and i was reading a magazine and it helped me realize this and why i was pissing people off before. But i think ill just get over this as well as myself. Piya is right, i do have an ego. Hmm. Oh well. At least she was honest. So. Yeah, ill start believing carl and ill start believing myself and ill let things roll they way they are going bc im not sure of anything still and although i think i want something sometimes, then im not so sure other times, so maybe that means im not ready. i think i need to be able to trust things with all my being first, bc piya said that she never has trust issues with marc, so i think i need to get to that point first. Hmm. Oh well, thats MY problem. I trust SOMETIMES and then i see something that knocks me down from that, bc i start comparing and analyzing and it sucks. Hmm....

I am little plastic watch
i feel like ive landed on a different planet and its like i have no space suit so im running out of oxygen, so i want to run as fast as i can so i can plant my flag in you and leave but the air is too thick and i cannot runfast enough and i am stuck, slowly, or not so slowly, suffocating on the surface of your world. Send me home, send me home. So i can sit at home, alone, dreaming of other ventures. I speak to you in code, backwards forwards and through you. I leap into the deep waters of this, and as foreign as they may be, intinctively i swim, praying that i wont drown, i swim to the yellow shores of you, where i will wait impatiently, for you to arrive. My brow sits naggingly upon my face, perpetually furrowed.

ok. So i AM crazy, but hey, its late..
this is how kenna gets me thinking... there are times when, you are parked and you are cold and you are waiting for something to happen ad you will it to happen. and then it does. so then what? you realize that there are decisions to be made, kisses to be had, love or whatnot to be lost. and so you give give give in the soft dim glow of christmas lights under the guise of shadows and you look at him and will him to feel and you think he does, but nothing is happening and you wonder if things left behind are creeping up slowly to meet you smiling, monday. so you take a deep breath and dive, and you pull away and theres this angel, grinning and watching and wanting you, and you see halos and a dashboard saint and you pray pray prayed that your little nightly sacrifices of yourself would pay off. but yiu find yourself alone, giving the little pieces of yourself away; the ones that you broke off that afternoon, stumbling half awake and fully transparent into the shower and knowing that silnece and barrenness were all that were left to hold you- 3:30 in the morning. overanaylizing you run your hand over a stomach, is it yours? you cant tell bc at this point, you dont know where you are and IF you are. stepping back, you want to run now, run to new colors and voices, but you know that you are here now, and that you need to be here, now. and that hes here now, and you dont know what for, and you know what you HOPE for, but you cant force and you cant decipher your confusiuon and you can decipher your instincts bc you are ready for babies and love and jobs and flying away. But you are here. 17, and stuck. Your car wont start and hes holding your hand.

OK.
OK. So today i attempted to shoot my NYU video and things never turn out the way i want them to and i think i pissed carl off bc i wouldnt use his ideas but i COULDNT bc the video is like my essay and it would be like him writing it for me and he was pissy all day anyway bc he thought people were ignoring him and we had a disturbing comversation the other day bc it started with me asking him about what he thought of this other girl and then i just kept asking and we talked about these other girls he liked or whatever and it made me self conscious and insecure but i just kept going bc once i get in on something....anyway, i just ahve a tendency to do things like that to myself sometimes. I think the whole conversation was kind of sick, really. But it was my own doing, but too bad. I dont know. I think that sometimes, i have this feeling where..naw. Nevermind. What im thinking is a feeling and when i think about articulating it, it just sounds stupid, which it probably is. Umm. i smell good. So. Yeah, sometimes, i dont know anything. How true. If theres one thing that i KNOW for a fact, its that sometimes, I know NOTHING.

take a deeeeeepppp breath
I now understand why siblings can despise each other in childhood and then end up being the best of friends in adulthood. AND, after thinking about it, i now understand why someone would want to leave the "group". I see now that, after four or more years, the group has 1) dissapated and 2) self-freaking-destructed. What i mean is, after 4 years, we are killing one another, and pissing each other off like no other and im afraid well all leave for college going "good riddence" instead of hugging. I should have seen this coming. I dont know why this is happening so openly to us, bc im sure that its happening to other people, but maybe thats just the way we are.Anway, it makes me scared and yet, i realize that i just have to let it roll off my back, like sarah amador said, and run with it until the end of the year, and YEAH, i AM glad i met carl bc hes keeping me sane bc hes separate from all of this and i dont feel as alone as im sure alot of people are feeling right now. And dont give me that codependent shit. I am thankful for piya as well bc althought i DO love my other frineds as much as her, she is my rock. I dont know where id be without any of them, but she is definately my stability. Yeah. Im just going to take a deep breath and meet each day as if none if this is happening bc it makes more sense than to worry about it, only to leave all of it 6 months later. Im not going to waste my time. im glad amanda met chris charles. and im hoping kira reconnnects big time with joe. we all need something separate. I saw this when i saw erika pahk and andrew. He seemed much happier with her, and now i can understand why. But htats just me. I just think that, what jason needs isnt isolation. What jason merely needs is a fucking BREAK.

Im sorrrrrrrryyyyy
Kira. I AMMMMMMm very sorry carl and i were on your bed. We werent considering your feelings about that bc we were like "Room! were grossing people out so lets go in a ROOM!" STill . Im sorry. And as for leaving your deb thing which i KNOW hurt your feelings, I would have soooo stayed had i not been wearing a dress with bones, one of which was stabbing me in the side all night, and had i not been itchy and cold and hungry. I jsut wanted to eat and change. And it was only boring when we were waiting for you to arrive bc we didnt want to have to hear about erika deacon and that president girls speech bc THEY were boring. Not the experience. I had a good time bc it was amazing leautiful and you looked beautiful in your dress and i was just sad bc i didnt want amanda to go to san diego and i was worried about new years and i just wanted to go home. Had i been wearing the bestsy johnson dress, this woulld have been a different story. And im sorry about your bed.

"im a postergirl with no poater...im beyond your periferal vision, so you might want to turn your head,cause comeday you
Unfortunately, I dont feel like it would be appropriate for me to drive over to jasons house right now and make him hug me and make him listen to me tell him how much i love him and care about him and how hes an amazing and beautiful person inside and out and that we all arent going to find love or anything close to it in high school bc the people we find in high school are YOUNG and STUPID most of the time and if you are an individual looking for something more than your average realtionshipd you are at a loss here and that Jason is like buried tresure or an old stuffed toy your find ten years later in your closet: You find it and you see it and hold it and realize how much you NEED it and how much you missed it and you want to hold onto it forever and tape it to yourself and carry it around with you like another arm or something. That is what Jason is to me. My third arm. I love Jason because he doesnt demand that i love him. He is there to listen to me bitch and moan and cry and he is there to let me put makeup on and to be cute and jason is loved by everyone he meets and to think that he wants to put a stop to that is stupid bc everyone needs him even if they dont say it and for him to think that he can brave life alone is crazy bc he wont survive. No one will. If Jason cuts himself off from everyone, well, i dont think anyone will allow that to happen. Jason, Im sorry if you dont want me to do this bc you think you are going to push your problems onto me or something, but there is NO WAY IN HELL i am going to let you walk out of my life bc i cannot live withour you. Like I cannot live without Kira or amanda or piya, I cannot live without you. No one will be able to and i think you will be hurting more people in your absence than in your presence. There. Pardon me if i seem intrusive.

Hi Carl!
Hi carl. did you miss me while you were away? its too bad you couldnt go with me to babysitting but oh well. you had better be good so you can go to coffee with me tomorrow before debutantes, ok? ok. Look at my other blog entries, ok? the last one i did is directly to you, yah?! So, hmmm. You need to make a stephanie shrine for me ok? and then i will make a carl shrine. Ok. Cool. Yeha.Alright. Im off to redye my hair. BYE! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGUH!!! -Love Stephanie. PS. I want to see your hair after you wear a beanie. I bet it looks Seeeeeeexxxxxyyyyyyyy. Haahaa. Bye. Hug.

"You're not Ms. Right, you'rs Ms. Right Now"
Hey carl, listen to The Cars "Just What I Needed". In addition to being a really great song, hmmm. Um, dont take the lyrics TOO literally. Well.

ok...my breath smells bad, yet errilly familiar...
So today i had to run BACK to Saks 5th bc i had to return the moisturizer i bought bc my mom bought me some w/o me knowing but it was ok bc no one was mean to me and me and piya went to Higleys and sat there for a couple hours being loud (well, me being loud) and no buying a thing. Not a single THING.BUT we DID manage to finish the storyboards for my NYU video, so take THAT higleys! So, i think we've made mortal enemies with the Higleys staff, but they sit around all day anyway, so who cares. Anyway, then tonight, I was with the gang and we went to In'n'Out BUT it was soooo trauamtic bc there was this A-hole guy who i almost killed bc he wasnt letting me in before the freeway exit and i had my TURN SIGNAL on and he was just being rude and SOOOOO he gets in front of me and goes 25 mph on the FREEWAY and im like "riiiiiggghhtt" and so i honk and flash my brights to my hearts content and HE decides to flick me off and im like "ok, so be that way" and i put my signal on to get off at Penessylvania and HE then cuts me off to CONTINUE harassing me so i trick him out and let him think im gonna keep getting off when i go "Nuh UHH!!!" and go back on to get off at Lowell. This is all thanks to the quick thinking of martin and jason. I love you guys. BUT, while i was getting heartburn from the hamburger and almost getting us killed, i think carl called bc he said he would at 8 and i wasnt home but i dont think it was him though bc he should have called again or called my CELL which i had on. So HA carl! call the CELL!! CELL!! AHH!! I miss you!!! And tomorrow im babysitting and being underpaid and if he calls il be out so my fam had better tell him to call the cell.....OK. Enough of that. So amanda and jason and i go back to my pad and watch the princess diaries and i didnt like it that much but at least i funally saw it. And then matt and laci and noah showed uo and matt and laci and i had fun going "coochiiee coochiee coo!!" Eww. Yet sooooo entertaining. Yes. I vote yes.

random and not so random (hi carl! I miss you!) Dont think im crazy bc of this entry, ok?ok.
DUDE. There is soooo much Kira doesnt tell people. I read her blog just now and i wanted to give her the biggest hug a little midget like me could give. Damn! IIIIII want you around, Kira!! IIIII love you! Dont feel sad or empty!! Hug! Hug! Hug! I realized that my group is set up like this: Amanda and i talk and yell and bitch bitch bitch about whats bothering us (which is not bad, amanda), but kira and piya kind of keep quiet. Its like they edit themselves or something, which is fine fine fine, but i feel like im sometimes talking TOO much and that maybe the reason they arent talking is bc im droning them out but tehn i always feel like i cant be heard until i yell and then get it all out in ONNNNNNNE LONNNNNNGGG BREEEEAAATTTHHH. Yeah. But thats just me. (PS: im not bagging on them at all, the word "bitch" isnt meant to say that amanda and i are bitches. We complain. Come on! We're loud and tiny!we rule. my friends rule.all of them.)Anyway. So thats that. Kira, you can talk to me. Anyone can. Just tape my mouth first. I was happy xmas eve bc i spent it with my cousin lauren and amanda and it was fun runnning from my scary cousin alicia and we played a most evil game of Uno and amanda and i had teh BEST BEST BEST talk and she made me laugh and i wasnt bored and it was fun. Im excited bc tomorrow im gonna be productive (hopefully) with piya and we'll (she'll) write the premise for my NYU video. Take THAT ryan macnamra, who is still quite lovely anyway bc his car rules and hes really nice. Anyway. Yes, and i left kiras today early NOT bc i was missing carl ( and i AM missing him) but more bc i just really felt like being at home. I dont know why, but i just DID. OK?! I hope martins nose is better, bc its a mighty nice nose. indeed. ok. there. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... Ok. CARL. I feel better now that ive read his blog and that hes deciphered some of his monotone conversations for me bc YES, i do feel like hes being unentusiastic sometimes, and im not saying that he needs to be all "WOOHOO! STEPHANIE!" but you know what i mean. But NOW, i understand that thats just the ways he speaks, and thats ok. Hugs for carl! I wrote the craziest blog about him yesterday and then erased it and changed it to what is up there now. Anyway. I visted him today with amanda, who was great bc she patiently waited in the car (even though she had to pee and was holding it for a lonngggg time- thank you so much amanda!) and she didnt complain and she was such a good sport bc she understands how im feeling and that was so great if her. Yeah, carl is adorable adn i was showing my mom pictures of him and i was going on and on and onnnnnn about him and it was funny. But its annoying bc im happy and sad at the same time, bc i always miss him and bc i feel like this is all really temporary, like we have to SAVOR and CHERISH all our time together and it sucks. God. Im talking crazy again, Well, its ok. Im ok. I'll just deal. Its sooo annoying though when people say "are you boyfriend-girlfrined yet?" bc im like, "i dont know?" bc im afraid that if we do go for that, that ill get scared or bored but i dont think i could get scared or bored with carl. So, the question is posed: Do i want to be carls girlfriend? hmmmm. I guess im safe saying that ive entertained the idea recently, but im not going to do anything about it bc someitmes i feel like the "pursuer" and that, if i DID decide to ask him out, id be pushing him. Fuck. im making this more complex than it needs to be. Oh well. Im a spazzy girl. Anyway, it as nice seeing him today and then i left him chapstick and a warhead lollipop in his mailbox bc hes going snowboarding and didnt have any chapstick! or a lollipop! haaa. God forbid. So. I dont know what we'll do. I dont want to rush and get more wrapped up than i already am, but then again, being wrapped up and tripping out on "like" is so cool sometimes, butits like you have to pay the price of constantly missing them in order to be with them. Haa. I jsut realized that this is basically a message to carl personally, but im too chicken to say it. AHH!! NOTE:(!!) Im not trying to insinuate that i need him to ask me out, im jsut trying to figure out how i feel, so dont freak out, PLEASE! Im not saying "carl, im in love with you and i want to be with you forever and bear your kids" NOOO NOO NOOOOOOOO. !!!!! Not right now, at least. (haaaa) -love steph.

Fuck! fuck! fuck!
Yesterday was xmas, right? and so im with carl and were watchin, coincidentally, "Crazy/Beautiful", and hes supposed to be home at 11:30 and of course his dad calls at like 12:30 and hes in trouble and im a bad influence on him bc i make him late for everything and it is terrible and i feel like shit. I feel like his parents hate me and i KNOW im forever bamned from their home. He should be seeing 15 year olds and not me, i think, but its hard bc i really like him. This sucks. I feel sad. And guilty.

ahh, crap. HA ! trauamastic! LIKE,
So. yesterday i went to carls house and we invited poeple over, but we could only get amanda and piya to come but that was cooler anaway so HA! so, then we were sitting around and his brouther too "sexy pictures" of us and got grossed out and then almost set himself on fire,yeah, and it was traumatic. So. Then amamnda and piya left and it was just me and carl and we were in my car and !!! really he jsut told me that im mean to him alot but hes nice to me and that it sucks and i agreed but i didnt have a good reason for my meanness. I think really, it boils down to, i think that i have this tendency to not believe people when they say they care about me and stuff and i sometimes "test" their love, i think. I think that, its like, if they can take the abuse for enough time then they really love me. Yes, i know its sick, but it just happens. Maybe im just drawing a wrong conclusion and its not that at all and im really just a bitch. I dont know. sometimes i just get really really confused and things get mixed up and bad. Today i was really really sad bc i dont think carl believed that i was sorry and i dont know if i believed me either bc i kept laughing those nervous laughs and making it seem like i wasnt taking it seriously. its sooooo annoying when people go "are you boyfriend-girlfriend"? bc we arent technically that, but everyone says we are and i dont kow what i want and i think this whole thing is going to scar carl and i never know how he feels about me and then that effects how i think i feel bc the doubt scrambles everything up. I find myself talking about past guys bc its like "ok, they did this and it hurt me, so dont do it." but then its like im a teacher and that sux and its weird i realized bc it comes off looking like an ego and i hate hate hate it! Ahhhhh!! I keep forgetting that he need to learn these things on his own but im 17 and im past wanting to learn bc i KNOW, or at least THINK i know and im stuck pushing a tricycle of a relationship until we get off of our training wheels. Damn, that was a freak analogy. I feel more secure about things now, but i just hate deciphering boys. Damn. i know carl is problably gonna read this, but im too lazy to write and i think that none of this was mean and i still care about him so there. carl! you are still hot! ok. so this morning my mom yelled at me bc i brushed my teeth before giving the pool guys a check for xmas and she threw stuff at me and yelled and freaked out and it was traumastic. i was like "yeah, merry fucking christmas". then i went to carls house to give him his sweater and he seemed not glad to see me and SEE WHAT I MEAN!!?? im such a baby. well he was tired bc i woke him up thins morning at like 10 and he was tired. so. yeha. i dont know. I hope he feels ok about me. I hope I feel ok about me. I feel bad that i was hurting his feelings. Its hard to apologize and have them believe you,so i guess i can see why i do the "make em prove it" crap but it still sucks that i am that way. AHH!

Also, today I.......
Today, I called carl to go to Lacey park with me and i was sad bc kira didnt want to go and piya couldnt and amanda is somewhere i dont know but anyway, i called him and then like 3 hrs later, he got dropped at my house and we ended up going to Old Town and freezing bc i had to get my siblings xmas presents. So, carl and i went to millers outpost, excuse me, "Anchor Blue", and carl teased and turned on not only moi, but the ENTIRE population of the store. Wow. what a tease... THEN, we went to Jamba juice where i proceeded to pay for a Power Jamba entirely in change, haahaa, but the girl was nice and i had already separated an counted out the change so it was easy, anyway. SO, then we went home and i tried to make him watch Princess Diaries but we went to sushi and it was fun. Yay. Hugs for carl! what a cutie. His cuteness rivals that of my own, yes, and he gave me waynes world for xmas and we both thought i hadnt seen it, i havent seen ALL of it i dont think bc when i came out i was younger and i dont think my mom let me see it or at least all of it. Hmm. Oh well, i dont rememebr it, so were ok. Yay.

carl's trauma
Yeah, so yesterday the "crew" was all up in Kira's "pad" and of COURSE carl and i got there like two hours late bc im always late and then to top it off i wanted to give amanda and kira and piya their presents but i had to wrap them first but of course there was no wrapping paper to be found except the "Happy 50th" paper, so.... Anyway. I still have to get around to finding amandas second half of her gift and to making piyas. I hoped piya woundnt feel bad that her gift wasnt as big...i just have to make her gift but at the rate i go it might take awhile but at least she'll get it sometime and know i didnt forget her. How COULD i? Shes so damn CUTE! Im glad she is still madly in love with marcie. They make me happy be he makes HER happy and thats very very good. Anyway, the get together was very cool, BUTTTTTTTTTTT....... 1) i think i am paranoid bc although im probably mistaken, i thought emma was giving me the evil eye during moulin rouge...... maybe i talk about her purse too often.... 2) carl was MAJORLY traumatized bc : a) jason saw his balls while he was wearing a skirt (ahh! 2 Hits against carl!) b) Everyone thought he jizzed on kiras bed (God.I KNOW im sexy, but dude.....) c) i kept REQUESTING that he be the subject of all of the dare AND he had to kiss boys. 3) I think i offened Jason bc when i was dared to three way kiss him and Zack i was like "Ewwwww! Noooo!!" but i really didnt mean it that way. I was just thinking about all of the spit and my sickness and pizza etc that was about to be exchanged and i was scared of that, not jason. I wouldnt mind kissing jason at all, as long as i was allowed to brush my teeth first.

fuck! shit!
sometimes, i just love obsenities. i just felt like saying "fuckshit" and so i did. Like, lets try and work that into a sentence, perhaps, "you stupid fuckshit!". Nice. Anyway. I stayed home today, but im sure that the mass amounts of weeping people told you that, because my voice was completly GONE. Yeah, it sucked. AND, to make matters worse, i was all ready to take my Film History final today early at 4:30 and my teacher never SHOWED UP!?? So. I go into the class at 6 and i have to reschedule which is a friggin BITCH. AHHH! my teacher is a stupid fuckshit! YES! So. THENNNNN Chamber singers had this gig in LA (louisinana?) where we were singing for a bunch of old rich important men, and we were supposed to start at 7:30 and leave by 8:15, and of COURSE we actually started singing at 8:15 and left at 9 freaking 30!! So, we get home at 10 and i ahve to wait for 15 mins for ms rios bc i have to get my clothes from the car and shes still in LA "schmoozing". Poo. Puh. So. Here i am, no socks on, and i have a headache, I screwed up on my solo, but i did pretty damn well considering i found out i got it ohh..say...TWO DAYS AGO!! AHHH!!! FUCKSHIT! So, im praying my little catholic heart out that i will remember it tomorrow bc i ALWAYS remember it 5 mins before i sing it and then i forget it when im actually singing it. Yeah. sweet. And i was really missing carl today. Hmm. Peculiar. Yeah, like, i was kindof sad that....ahh fuckshit. Im not gonna go into that shit with ya'll. Anyway. im off. tahtah.

fuck! shit!
sometimes, i just love obsenities. i just felt like saying "fuckshit" and so i did. Like, lets try and work that into a sentence, perhaps, "you stupid fuckshit!". Nice. Anyway. I stayed home today, but im sure that the mass amounts of weeping people told you that, because my voice was completly GONE. Yeah, it sucked. AND, to make matters worse, i was all ready to take my Film History final today early at 4:30 and my teacher never SHOWED UP!?? So. I go into the class at 6 and i have to reschedule which is a friggin BITCH. AHHH! my teacher is a stupid fuckshit! YES! So. THENNNNN Chamber singers had this gig in LA (louisinana?) where we were singing for a bunch of old rich important men, and we were supposed to start at 7:30 and leave by 8:15, and of COURSE we actually started singing at 8:15 and left at 9 freaking 30!! So, we get home at 10 and i ahve to wait for 15 mins for ms rios bc i have to get my clothes from the car and shes still in LA "schmoozing". Poo. Puh. So. Here i am, no socks on, and i have a headache, I screwed up on my solo, but i did pretty damn well considering i found out i got it ohh..say...TWO DAYS AGO!! AHHH!!! FUCKSHIT! So, im praying my little catholic heart out that i will remember it tomorrow bc i ALWAYS remember it 5 mins before i sing it and then i forget it when im actually singing it. Yeah. sweet. And i was really missing carl today. Hmm. Peculiar. Yeah, like, i was kindof sad that....ahh fuckshit. Im not gonna go into that shit with ya'll. Anyway. im off. tahtah.

Shit. Ittttttttssssssss Mr. Edie!!!
my template. is. mr. edie. eww.

Does THIS man have a SQUIRREL in his pants??
does this man have a squirrel in his pants? or better yet, a FOOT up his BUTT? I think SOOOOOO.....

Hi there....
Yeah, so i forgot to introduce myself to all the pedophiles who dont already know me. Im small, and i have red hair most of the time, and i lvoe it, and i love pumas and garbage and pj harvey and fun stuff like that. no im lazy and i dont want to keep typing. bye. ok.

I still love you.....
I felt bad today for two reasons: 1) Piya was crying bc she feels ignored and 2) i just read carls blog and i feel responsible. Anyway, yeah, i agree that piya is left out alot. I dont approve of this "singles"shit bc if people cant deal with being single and seeing other people together, then its a matter of self esteem more than it is a matter of the people laying off the "googliness" bc i know that I have been good, and i think that, if you dont agree with me, ok, but PIYA has always been good, so thats NOT an excuse to leave her out. Ok. so shes not always around. Ok, so she is a wee bit cynical at times. Arent we all? i think its a matter of, laziness on EVERYONES part, that means PIYA too, in terms of getting off our asses and calling one another. I know I havent planned anything bc i think people are still pissed at me, but thats another story. I think that, if piya called us more often, yes, i know she calls ME, but i mean, other people, and we reciprocated, then this would all be ok'd up. Yah? Yah. Ilove you all and that is why i am saying this, ok? remember that. bc i know you are reading this. Ummhmm! 2) Carl carl carl. Where do i start. I dont know really bc he is the root of my problem, yes, i really only have ONE, and i know he doesnt MEAN to be the root. for the FREAKING RECORD, I kissed HIM. Thus, i am responsible. Ok, so hes not so nice to you all the time. Is ANDREW? Is AMANDA? Is KIRA? Am I always nice? NOOOOOO!!! God, people! You need to say "dude,carl, youre being an asshole" not "haahaa carl, fuck you haahaa" bc he's dense like the rest of us and wont get it if you dont use a little CONVICTION. yeeeessss....conviction. And, do i hang out with him alot? NO! not really! bc i never hung out with anyone on weekdays anyway, and no one calls me to hang except him and all we do is go to higleys anyway, so he hasnt changed how much i hang with anyone else anyway. i think this is gonna be the last time i go off about this bc its giving me a headache, and i dont like that. No. My life doesnt revolve around him, it revoloves around ME. No. Im not trying to distance myself from my friends. Do you think im RETARDED?!! if you think someone is mad at you, do you hang out with them MORE? NOO!! I rest my case.

oh-kay
yeah. so i am still opposed to this whole "lets be totally honest and mean" thing on the pitas bc, although, yes, andrew, it is not my place to tell people what to write in their journals, i also think that it is not alright for people to be totally MEAN in them bc, if you are letting people know your URL or whatever, and know that they can read it if they want, be NICER. or at least COMPASSIONATE. bc if you put something in your blog that you wouldnt have the balls to say to the persons FACE, dont freaking put it in! and DONT feed me that shit about, "Well, if you dont want to know the truth then dont read the blogs" bc one doesnt know beforehand that mean stuff will be written about them before they begin reading. so THERE. thats all i have to say about that bc I know what people think of me, and although i dont like it, i accept it. I'm just warning people bc i think these things are gonna cause more trouble than they are worth. Gossip on IM if you HAVE to be honest on the internet. God.

FIN!
i absolutley LOVE the fact that the little button you click when youre done with your entry read "done!" exclamation point and all. Its not like "done...:(" its like, "WHOOO!! HOOO!!! DONE! Im DONE!!" or kind of like "DONE!" very abrupt, like "Cut!" Ha. I like it.

hmmm- i have a freaking headache
so. i guess this Pita thing is catching like a bad cold or something- much like the communal cold carl and i kept passing back and forth like a hot freaking potato. Anyway, for the record,ryan facer, i think, is one of the most adorable people in the whole freaking world but everytime i hug him, i fall over. hmmm. peculiar. So, i think the allure if this is that it offers up a certain amount of voyeurism into one anothers minds. hmm. i dont know if i like that, bc its addicting, but, much like reality tv ("shipmates" and "blind date" 4-eva! eww, i said '4-eva'), you cant get enough of other people's lives and minds. we are all gluttons for gossip, i guess. oh well. i can accept that. Let me get fat. Theoretically speaking. bye. i love you.

again
haha. i said "passionate-bloody-passion"....haahaahaa, oh yeah, and its "Zero- seven", not "zer-seven" not that you care but whatever. Jeez.

L.I.E. and no doubt rule, yo!
ok. so L.I.E. and no doubt's song "Dont let me down" OWN me!! YOO!!! haa. yoo. anyway, i love that and zer-seven's song "destiny" -talk about chill music. oh yeah, and i despise the patrons of higleys with a passionate bloody passion!

this is me being nice
Hmm. i think that we all should be nice and get over it. what ever "it" may be. Ok? Sound good? Yeeeahhhh. I love my friends even if we are super bitches to one another and i start wondering why i take it. But then i talked to Sarah Amador, my #1 person EVER, i would marry her if she was a boy, and she is my Yoda....she said that you need to just let things roll off your back bc they arent worth worrying over. You need to love yout friends for what they are and for the happiness they bring you. Only focus on teh happienss no matter how large or small. bc they will always bring you grief, at least for right now, but you should really just accept that and then forget about it bc you should be happy. I think thats right, i agree. i vote YES!

i dont think this was about carl - Carl, this isnt about you!!
sometimes i wonder do you ever miss me? do you ever try and remember what i smell like? what the back of my neck feels like? what it is like to have the thick of my waist and my imaginary babies warming your arms like it was my own heat and heart. do you ever wonder what i am thinking? if i am thinking about you- or do you already know that i am?

fumes (who might THIS be about??) ( i am DEFINATELY confused...man.)
I wrote my own version of heaven on the nights i came home two hours too late because i was too busy handing fistfuls of myself to you despite the watchful stares of cautious parents and even God. So i drove home under thick heady blankets of Tricky and pollen and fog. In second gear on downhill roads and i turned off my headlights before i pulled in so that i could slip by unnoticed; just like us. Walking in, i wish i could see through my window but there are too many trees and leaves and shingles and everything in my way and i am too small to see meteor showers overhead and i breathe on alone and i rub my aching jaw alone and i fall asleep alone because i am still alone when i am with you taking you and slicing slivers of your being off of you like cheddar cheese or something like that and as i grate your aspiring love, you flake toward the ground watching me - or not and i eat you for dinner. I am obscure and bizarre and i fold and unfold as i wish to you because i released my soul too soon too many times and now i’m delirious and drunk on the fumes of my desire.

continued..
they actaully just referred to a room as "a pink and fuschia fantasy". AHHH!! EW!

eww. shabby crap.
is it just me, or should that "Rachel Ashwell's 'Shabby Chic" be called shabby CRAP??!! i think SO!

Yikes. Funky -ass Template, Yo! Hmmm. We are all COWARDS!!!
Hmm. I DO believe that this "blog" business is just a beat-around the -bush way of telling people bad things about them without actually saying it so you can sit under the guise of "this is my place to VENT so it doesnt matter what i say bc its how im FEELING" crap. BUT, to contradict myself and vent bc i read other peoples blogs and this is what i have to say in rebuttle so we can all just pretend i never said this and go not so happily back into denial.... It makes me sad that people are trivializing my LIFE to such a degree and never taking into consideration that maybe I feel ALIENATED and thats why i am with carl so much. and you can just TELL me you dont like him if you dont like him. im sorry that hes an asshole to you or whatever, but TELL HIM THAT and MEAN IT WHEN YOU SAY IT and he will get the picture. But...As long as you like ME, then i dont care. But really, kids. Also, Carl hasnt changed me, bc he hasnt changed my routine and i think that people need to deal with themselves first before dealing with me. I will admit though, that he hasnt done much for my self esteem but ive been feeling like a loser anyway. why am i with him, one might ask? i really dont know, to be honest. Im not trying to say that i dont like him, its just that, i dont know why. It is harder bc he is 15.......once again, 15, and i hate hate hate hate that, but what can i do. i understand how amanda feels about that girl moving in on matt katz bc ive been there and it probably doesnt help that matt katz probably raves about how cool the other girl is. anyway. i just think that right now, people are doing their own things, and dealing with their own shit, and i think that, in the end, carl is my ESCAPE. bc this group were in is pretty tumultuous, and it takes its toll and i know that when i need to relax,i can go over to his house and make out with him and just think happy thoughts. im not saying that i am using him or using sex as an escape, but its jusrt that id rather be kissing than being yelled at. also, KIRA, is it not true that YOU said that you "just want someone to cuddle with"? Dont we ALL, really? I want to cuddle and i need it now more than ever bc i just feel down, and i need to feel loved. No one ever believes me when I say i love them. that really sucks. be i mean it when i say it or at least when i think it be i know i dont always tell people that i love them but i DO. i just feel kind of ignored right now, by everyone except piya. even carl ignores me which hurts more than anything bc hes supposed to LIKE me but i cant tell which is funny bc if i go to him for escape and end up feeling shittier.......(sigh). i dont know. cut me a break, ok? I just want this year to be over and for everyone to give a group hug. HUUUUUUGG!!!??? well. Im just confused. i wish we didnt all have our periods at the same freaking time. Its way difficult. I jusr dont think we like one another very much right now, or do i feel like no one likes ME right now, i dont know. i jsut feel like everyone is not ok with the carl thing, but i dont even know if I am ok with the carl thing. ssometimes i wish i had never met him bc i feel like this is all my fault but then i realize that we'd all be having some kind of other freak out regardless. I have to pee. maybe thats why im so sad, but i dont know. im afraid i wont get into college. oh well. boo-fucking-hoo.

the koalatamalie LIVES!!!
Hi. So this pita business is being a royal ass to little ol' moi, but that is ok. Ok. Bye,